Rooted.
She doesn’t remember the last time someone really asked ‘how are you’ it’s always rushed, half-meant, or as she’s walking into the front door and being greeted by a relieved, longing, smile. Their little girl, is crumbling. Her smile— brighter than ever though, deceiving. The lies have become so tangled and twisted she wonders if she can believe them too. Some days she does. But, night has a way of creeping up on you. When it’s only her shallow breathing and heavy heart beat, she hears every truth.
She hears the voices of the ones she wishes she could reach out to. She sees her empty room, cluttered. Her clock blinking, waiting to be reset. She’s been putting that off, too. Under three blankets still trembling, tears frozen on her cheeks, pillow, and making their way to her ear. She has this weight, constant, reliable… always. She doesn’t know how to be rid of her thoughts, of this place pulling her in deeper. Accepting it was the first mistake, if she can try to go back that far and remember. That day where she just sighed, deep, filling her lungs and— release. Conceding to what was gnawing between her ribs. That is when she gave in.
He doesn’t understand her anymore. He’s looked passed the way her eyes used to look in the sun, he only sees through the dimly saturated windows. Her porcelain skin is covered, shadowed, sallow. The softness remains so he doesn’t take notice. She’s glad of this. Reaching out to touch his heartbeat she wishes it would take her away with its rhythm. Within its pattern she wants to live, concealed. Her home holds the broken fragments of her shell, still looking up between the branches, through the shimmering green reflected on to the sky. Cloudless, she still pictures the night crouched on the wet cement just feeling the rain. Unceasingly, rain. The chills behind her neck, trailing down the bruises on her back, it used to heal her. Afraid and going out looking for highway signs, red arrows, to guide her, turn her down this straightaway. She’s always been too cautious to take that one step up, over, finally.
So, she treads on. Moves forward while running in place. She’ll miss his dark eyes; her heart will remain in his hands for as long as he keeps it. He’ll unclench his fist one day, she dreads, but knows, and secretly hopes. She’ll still feel the drop. Feel the shattered pieces being strewn on the floor where he will walk on, move on. Rewind. She’ll regret feeling those late nights. Evergreen eyes. She’ll never understand how one person could change her outlook on, life. She’ll always talk about the night where you showed up at her door. Unannounced. Her glassy eyes saw you and melted as you ran and embraced her so strongly. You kept her standing. You saved me with those arms. One whole heart is so overflowing, overwhelmingly inebriated, twisted. The story book ending is at the end of the books she doesn’t read anymore, doesn’t believe in anymore. She doesn’t know how to escape.
‘How are you?’ she says, blue eyes incoherent. ‘I’m fine’ looking up at the trees. Zipping her jacket up, her boots crushing the autumn leaves. Each step loud, reaching out. She turns.
Her hair is braided to one side, amber streaks poking through from the sun, tendrils in her eyes, always. One step with every beat. One step is all she needs. The ocean air still calls her. She locks it away in a music box that used to play ‘my little sunshine.’ it fits perfectly. She will carry you on her back until your very last step, and she doesn’t regret this. Her disfigurements will eventually be seen, but until then she’ll say she is just as strong as she was four years ago. Her little hands will long to feel the open air, and she will someday. If not, though, she’ll smile and know that her heart was, most definitely, always full. Her eyes genuine and those little lines she’ll come to love.
She’ll see the world through clicking film reels, painted pictures, words overflowing.
The bitter cold, the silence, is welcomed tonight. Holds herself tight in the blankets that smell of you. This whole room is painted with us. This chapter has hurt more than the rest. She has been exiled exclusively but will break through again. The chill she thought to be unbearable has numbed her now.
At this moment, rooted, right here.
-
zoemolly liked this
-
barricadestay posted this
